


Regret for the Things I Did Do and Didn't Do

by Siwren1



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Afterlife, Anal Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Regret, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:49:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4598697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siwren1/pseuds/Siwren1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has regrets.  How do we choose to live with them?  How do they shape us?  When we are offered second chances; do we take them and make the most of them?  When we are offered advice do we heed it, ignore it, try to pick out the good parts and leave the bad?  What do we do when we need to correct our mistakes?  How do we live with regret?</p>
<p>This is a story about regret, how to avoid it, live with it, correct it, etc.  Kirk, Spock, Uhura, McCoy, and the rest of the crew all must learn to live in a world that didn't go exactly as it should have.  Kirk realizes he has been given new opportunities.  Will his new attitudes work for him, or against him.  Those around him, how will it affect them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ch 1:  Dying, Musings, Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> PS. This is my first fanfic. I hope everyone will be kind. I do appreciate comments. Constructive critique is appreciated. Rudeness is not. You do not pay for fan fiction, it is done out of the goodness of people's hearts as a hobby. If you do not have something positive to add and just want to troll, please pass my fanfic by. You do not have to read it if you disagree with the themes or ideas. I love many fanfics I have read and always try to say something positive. If I do not like something I just gripe to my friends about it in private but I never let the author have it in the comments. I just stop reading that fanfic if it bothers me. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t have to be a gloomy raincloud and storm on someone else to make myself feel better. So if you love my fanfic, great. If not, I am sorry, please gripe to your friends in private and move on to the next fic. 
> 
> An additional note, I do not have an editor or beta to copy check all this so it is just little ole me. If I make a boo boo about story specifics, please point out. If it is grammar, just give me a break. I know they are there but this is more of relaxation than journalistic quality. So if I get Vulcan terms wrong or Star Trek specs wrong, let me know. We all want to be the best Trekkies or Trekers! Happy reading and thanks everyone!

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.  
Sydney J. Harris

 

James Tiberius Kirk had learned that he would never regret missing out on life again. After being brought back from Bones’ serum courtesy of Kahn’s miracle blood he knew he had been living a life half lived. He had thought in his youthful arrogance that he was invincible, he had plenty of time, things were not always important, priorities could be put off, and things left unsaid were indeed better left unsaid. How wrong he thought he was when the last breath left his lungs. The painful void of nothingness and then the cocoon of safety he had been encased in immediately afterwards had been shocking. Being a man of the 23rd century he had thought that perhaps there was nothing after one passed. He had mused that perhaps since energy was always transferable; never created nor destroyed that perhaps his life energy would wind up part of the great cosmos but he had never imagined to have a soul. 

James Tiberius Kirk had never imagined the pain of dying could be so intense. He imagined that it had something to do with the radiation burning his insides and having to leave his crew. Yes, and leaving Spock. As his last moments ticked by, oddly too fast and too slow at the same time, he was satisfied he had let Spock know of the great importance of their friendship. Kirk loved Spock so much, had hoped for more time, for Uhura to fade out of the picture, for the lifetime he had seen in elder Spock’s mind meld. As he had laid there on the engineering floor dying he knew his luck had run out and it just wasn’t so but at least he was leaving knowing Spock was safe, Spock knew some of how much Kirk cherished him (even if he thought it was platonic), knew Uhura was waiting just off Spock’s shoulder in the background to be his anchor (at least he had someone to love him even if it could not be Jim), and his crew was safe. 

For a while Kirk knew nothing after those final moments. It took some time to reconcile all that pain from those last few moments and all that had been his life. To compile all that had made up James T. Kirk, son of the great George Kirk of the Kelvin, worthless son of Wionna (whom could not bother to come home to her two sons in the effort to forget her husband whom had given his life so that she could have hers and raise his two sons), brother of Sam Kirk (Sam who lit out just as soon as he could, despite Jim begging him not to leave him with Frank), step-son to Frank and all around punching bag, juvenile delinquent of Riverside well known for finding the only cliff to jump a car, malnourished child survivor/leader of a pack of nine children on Tarsus IV (killer, seducer of guards, thief, and all around watcher of atrocities), the off the charts IQ/repeat offender cadet, womanizer, best friend of Bones, and finally bonafide swagger and grin Captain of the Starship Enterprise (complete with medals and savior of Earth/Federation/Star Fleet all tacked on according tot he media). After all this it came to Jim’s notice he was in a warmth, a solidness, a place of infinite-ness. It felt so safe, like nothing, like something— all at the same time. It was the most odd and wonderful feeling. But, just as soon as this occurred to him and he was adjusting to such contentment he was ripped from what he might have called heaven. 

That was disturbing to say the least. His time ripped from the wonder of what might or might not have been a nirvana was a new agony in and of itself. For there was no rest. There was an awareness like no other. Jim found himself in a space facing himself. 

“You do not belong here,” said a version of himself.

“You… you are me and I am you apparently…” Jim said back totally disregarding the statement at hand because he was not going to get into an argument with himself. That would be the pinnacle of insane. 

His alter self snorted, “Duh, but you need to hurry up and get better. Only one katra can be here at a time.”

“Katra… that is a Vulcan word.” 

“Well, yes, yes, it is. I prefer to use that word since I am waiting for the other half of my soul. My soulmate. Spock is still alive but he will be along soon. I have learned to watch past the dimensions over the decades. While I cannot tell you a whole lot, what I can and will tell you is what I know you know.”  
Jim thought his alter self was really redundant. Perhaps he was just having a really bad dream. Or maybe he was in hell. How did one get better from dying!?! 

“I know… I sound stupid. Listen. I died in my timeline. The timeline the elder Spock in your timeline is from. I am waiting for him. You died too soon in your timeline. Bones is now working on a way to bring you back. Resurrect you, so to speak. He has injected you with the cure he believes will work but it only will if you make contact with your body. Your vessel. It cannot survive long without your katra or soul on its own.”

“Wait, so you are waiting for Selek, or the Spock that did the mind meld on me on Delta Vega? You were mated? I was right about that? I thought I picked up on that but Spock the elder would never confirm it for fear the timeline would be contaminated.”

“Yes, we are t’hy’la. I must wait for Spock to join me. What happens for you and your own Spock is up to you and him. You still have many years yet but it may not be the same for you both as it is for me and my Spock. T’hy’la is extremely rare. I theorize your Spock has more desire for Uhura because maybe his katra differs because there is a version of his katra still alive so maybe they exist in different frequencies. My katra has passed to a different dimension so your katra is at the right frequency to match Spock elder but not younger. Or maybe Spock younger is just as stubborn as my Spock once was. That is all I am going to say on that, because I don’t know and the time is growing late James. You must return…”

Just then Jim noticed the space had been getting dimmer. He felt a tugging also on his being. He nodded an acknowledgment to his alter self and closed his eyes. He felt really tired of staying in this dimension and just decided to let the tug pull him away. 

The next thing he knew he was in his physical body. He could not open his eyes. He could hear distant voices but he could not make out anything that was being said. He could smell the recycled sterilized air of what must be a medbay. Everything felt so dead. His whole body. He could not open his eyes, could not speak, could not adjust his person on the bed. He essentially had come back to lay stagnant in what appeared to be a dead body!


	2. Everyone seems to be a dick in some respect...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy makes a reflection on Spock. Spock thinks he has things figured out. Some people are dicks by opinion, other people just think with their dick, and some people are dicks because they are selfish. Maybe there is a little bit of dick in all of us?
> 
> Ps. There is heterosexual sex in this chapter. I am not a big fan of heterosexual scenes despite the majority of my experiences. lol. But, I felt it necessary to demonstrate the inequity of power in the relationship via a sex scene. I plan to write mostly m/m scenes in the future as that is what I identify with mostly. The following sex scene is to show the inequity of power and the disfunction in a relationship because of people's secret agendas or the lies they tell themselves. If other chapters have m/f scenes I will advise but I hope this will be the only one. Blah. lol.

“Doctor, I am detecting a presence in Jim’s body. It is the Captain.” Spock alerted Dr. McCoy from his task of checking on fluids and systems around Jim.

“You are right, there is new brain wave activity!” Bones responded. It had been one week already where Len’s best friend had laid there, alive but apparently brain dead. McCoy had refused to give up hope on his serum, confident that it just needed time to work its way through Jim’s whole system. 

Earlier…

Spock and McCoy had hidden Jim away, and in a collective effort with the crew had kept it secret that he had died so that McCoy could run the theoretical treatment from Kahn’s blood. The first three days after Kahn had attacked San Francisco and Star Fleet had left things in chaos. It had given Len time to develop the serum, Spock and Uhura time to coordinate meetings with the crew to keep the death and hopeful resurrection of Kirk top secret, and the capture and delayed handing over of Kahn plus Botany Bay crew subsequently all came together perfectly due to that said chaos. Spock had filled out all the reports and had declared Jim severely injured, requiring surgery pending reports from McCoy. Now McCoy would have to flub some medical reports for Jim but that was the least of Len’s worries. Spock kept pestering him about the lack of brain activity for Jim and doubting such treatment would not work. He would alternate between worry for Jim and worry for his career since he had perpetuated one of the greatest frauds upon Star Fleet with his reports, the medical ethical theft of Kahn’s blood (without any desired results according to Spock despite Kirk’s body being revived to say the very least), and influencing the entire crew into complacency regarding the entire matter. Len personally thought that Spock was a total dick. Sure, Spock had been extremely torn up about Jim’s death and was out for blood, had delivered instead a potential cure, but now, days afterwards he showed a severe lack of faith in the force known as James T. Kirk. It had to work. Len could not imagine living without his best friend that had brought him back from the depression of his “after divorce” self and made him see a whole new galaxy of possibilities. And if Spock knew just how much Jim desperately loved him and had been happy to sit back with his heart crushed just so Spock could live in “la la” land with Uhura…. Uh. It just made Len sick. To think of how Jim put his life on the line for Spock on so many away missions, jeopardized his career pulling him out of that volcano, and giving his last words to him! Spock didn’t know just how lucky he was to have the friendship of Jim. To even doubt for a second the treatment would work and to further worry about his career. Spock was a dick!

***

Back to current time…

Spock was gratified that the treatment was finally beginning to show some results. He had been so worried for a multitude of reasons. Not that he would admit most of those reasons. His controls had been heavily diminished. His logic and rationale were all over the place. He could not meditate to effective levels. Now that the Captain had brain activity and he could sense his katra returning, Spock felt more calm than he had in weeks. He theorized it was because he had put his Star Fleet career on the line to bring Kirk back and in turn it could have domino’d a lot of other promising careers including Nyota’s. He had felt distanced from her as of late. Most likely because he had not been able to meditate and the stress of career and this fiasco were wearing on them both. Since it was apparent that there was success on the horizon he should return to his quarters for some much needed rest. He advised McCoy of his intentions and did just that.

Hours later in Spock’s quarters…

“It’s good that Kirk is finally coming around. I know you were worried about it.” Nyota was probing as they shared dinner. She looked stunning in the candlelight. Her eyes sought his searching. For what he did not know but he wanted to reassure her. Make sure his relationship suffered no longer.

“Yes, I agree, Nyota. I want to thank you for your support both professionally and personally during this time. Now that the Captain is officially showing results, I would like to spend some more time with you. Can you stay the night?” 

Smiling, “Yes, Spock, I would like that.” Nyota replied. She looked very satisfied to have been asked to stay. Spock was gratified he had not misread the evening and that Nyota was amendable to resuming intimate relations despite just how out of touch he felt with her. Perhaps with her being a psi-null being she did not feel it as acutely as he did. If that was the case he would not advise her of the disquiet in his katra since the whole Kahn situation had begun. It was much better to just let her stay in ignorance than to be in the doghouse as Kirk often like to dub it. That was odd, why was he thinking of Kirk and his quirky speech patterns when he should be focusing on Nyota. Fortunately, due to Vulcan discipline, Nyota could not detect his inner musings from his staid face. Just as well. It was time for their evening rituals of shower, meditation and bed. Spock thought to himself he was lucky to have a partner who attempted meditation with him even when she could not reach the higher levels obtained by Vulcans. It honored him that Nyota tried to please him and his culture.

Nyota was glad Spock had asked her to stay the night. She had been worried that Spock was losing interest in her. She knew Spock was straight and wasn’t interested romantically in Kirk but it was still disturbing to see him cry over the arrogant Captain, lose his cool Vulcan calm trying to kill Kahn, and his subsequent rule breaking in order to save Kirk’s life. She was glad to help Spock accomplish whatever his goals were in life. If it meant getting Kirk better then that was her goal too, she had just been worried that his distraction over Kirk, Star Fleet, the crew, and everything was taking her boyfriend away from her. But, now it seemed that the pressure was off they were back on again. She could have Spock to herself. She would do anything for Spock. Even sit through his meditations with him. She was very good at sitting very still. She wasn’t meditating. No, she was sitting here running over her day, what she had to do tomorrow, wishing Spock would hurry up, hoping that he would make love to her and not just sleep tonight. Spock was an amazing lover. She found it hard to believe that he was a virgin when he had come to her but she was more than happy to teach him exactly what she liked and he followed her instruction perfectly, picking up the lessons fast. He was always gentle with her. He always made sure she came. He was the perfect lover groomed specifically for her. Nyota could not wait till meditation was over…

Spock was finally relaxing and obtaining the peace he needed. He was deep in his meditation. He would finish soon and make love to Nyota. He could smell the lust coming off of her. It was a little taxing to have her next to him obviously not meditating on higher plains of being but on sexual gratification but he could forgive her since she was human, she lacked Vulcan control, and it had been weeks since he had satisfied her. He knew he had her to thank for being able to obtain meditation of this level thus far because she had agreed to stay the night. After he made love to her he could return to his mat and finish his meditation and likely reach deeper levels because their relationship would be even more on course. 

It did not occur to Spock he had been looking forward to deeper meditation since learning of Kirk’s improvements nor did occur to Spock that he was putting stop gaps in places in his life using Uhura just as she was using him. Spock could only think about the path he had set out for himself since the second year of Nyota’s days as a cadet when they had finally decided to start dating despite regulations. He was devoted to that path. That path would lead him to truth. Or so Spock thought. And perhaps it would in a round about way. 

Spock concluded his meditation and rose from his mat. He then helped Uhura to rise as well. Growling lowly he took her to his bed and laid her down. He was familiar with the snap in the crotch in the panty of her teddy and undid it. Nyota preferred this type of panty because it meant a faster more expedient means of Spock satisfying her. Spock was very schooled in what made his Nyota happy and as he kissed upon her breasts he felt her hand push on his head to start going down. He obeyed with a growl. He knew to maintain control of himself. He would make Nyota happy with his mouth. This evening it seemed and she would bring him off with her hand. Usually their love-making would follow a pattern decided by Nyota. Sometimes it was what was planned tonight, other times Spock would get to join with her if she was in the mood. Spock felt himself wishing he could direct their activities or meld with her so she would know what he preferred for one night but as soon as that thought crossed his mind he banished it. It was dishonorable to not be happy with such a prize as was his Nyota. Many lusted after her. Spock had her at his side. She had been patient with his virginity. She wanted him to be his cool, controlled Vulcan self, and that is what he would be. 

Spock drove his tongue into her core tasting Nyota. She was of a feminine musk taste that was unique to her. He brought his thumb up to play with her button and heard her moan deep. Her hands griped his hair almost to painfully as she shoved his face into her crotch deeply demanding his service. He obliged feeling her juices coat his face. He could feel her begin to tremble and her heels dig into his back for purchase as she began to orgasm. He drove two of his fingers into her core as she spasmed glad she was always so quick to come so he did not have to keep his face in her crotch for over long. Her inner walls clasped erratically around his fingers as he raised his eyes up from her mound and watched her make a painful agonized face of ecstasy. He had done his job well. 

Crawling up her body, Spock was excited to have her hands on his large self lubricating lok. It was weeping from the tip and it had begun to hurt. He could feel his semen’s desire for release. He wished to jerk it off all over Nyota and mark her. He had a primal desire to see her covered in his fluids for a change. He thought about asking her if he may do this but remembered her rejection of the idea one time a few years back. Spock would be happy if she would just place her hands on his lok and bring him to completion. 

Sighing after that glorious orgasm, Nyota turned to Spock and reached for his dick. She began stroking him but did not look him in the eye. She kept a close watch on the head of his member as she wanted to make sure to direct its flow to his stomach and not get any on her when he came. Her hand and grip were getting tired. Just how long was it going to take? Spock always took longer than she did.

“I apologize, Nyota, I do not mean to take over long.” Spock spoke heavily between her strokes. He internally felt a combination between guilt and annoyance at picking up her thoughts through her touch.

“Oh, Spock, honey, its not that, its just I am so wiped from what you do to me.” Nyota replied. Spock decided to give Nyota that statement since all he wanted to do at this point was come and wash his face off so that he could return to meditation. He began concentrating on one of his most secret fantasies. Kirk with his shirt off. He felt himself harden even more and began to breathe deeper trying to disregard the mix of guilt for betraying Nyota with such thoughts and betraying his own ideals. But, the image did so much for… and he was cuming all over his stomach and his chest, thick ribbons of seed. Growling, and grasping at the linens Spock could feel a white glow as the orgasm ripped through him. Sexuality sometimes needed a little fantasy… there was nothing wrong with that Spock rationalized as he cleaned himself up later that evening as Nyota lay sleeping on his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has thus far left comments. I will try to answer everyone's comments always. It makes me happy to see kudos and comments and they are deeply appreciated!


	3. Selek comes into the picture...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim is on the mend but things still aren't right. There are a lot of questions that can come out of this chapter to set up future chapters. I have no clue how long this is going to be but I do know I am addressing lots of issues. Jim didn't come back exactly okay after being dead. Despite being pointed in the right direction by Selek, Spock still needs help apparently. What is Selek going to do about the problems he has discovered and needs to discover and mend?

Jim was glad to have been brought back to life through the combined efforts of Spock, Uhura, and McCoy. If he kept telling himself that he was sure he would find the positive in this whole scenario. Despite having gone through the fires of death and come out the other side; Jim had an odd feeling that he had been some place wonderful and had experienced something… just more. 

It was good to be able to thank Spock for saving his life. To see that he had faired well, his ship had been saved just as Spock had told him right before his final moments, and to see McCoy… good ole’ Bones back to his joking self. It brought some normalcy to the unsteady feelings Jim was currently experiencing despite his show of bravado he had been putting forth as various members of his crew stopped in to visit him.   
As the day wore on, McCoy’s tricorder checks and hyposprays became much more frequent as did his grumbling about the toll of stress that visitors were causing Jim. Jim would normally disagree and be jumping to get out of Bones’ mother henning ways. It was just that Jim felt out of sorts and the one visitor Jim wished for to stay had been extremely brief after he had thanked Spock for his life. He understood that Spock was likely busy under a double workload and much rather spend time with Uhura; but it did not stop him from wanting. Somewhere inside Jim he just knew there was a tugging, longing, aching, need to be closer to Spock that continued to grow with time. It was much worse now than prior to his passing. It was getting steadily stronger. 

Just as Jim began drifting off once again, yet another visitor came into the room. But, this visitor was not only a surprise but a very welcomed one. McCoy was alarmed to the strange, older Vulcan at first, but Jim was immediately warmed by his very presence and greeted the elder Vulcan with an enthusiastic, “Spock! I am soooo glad to see you. I thought I might not see you again ever. How did you make it here so soon?”

“Jim, it took me quite a bit of time to get here to be with you after I felt your death, unfortunately. I was busy with the Vulcan High Council in matters that could not be left unattended. Your perception of time is faulty due to your being in a coma. I would have preferred to have been here with you sooner.” Selek replied with a self castigating expression. There was still a warmth in Elder Spock’s eyes that was not in his counterpart’s eyes when he beheld Jim and just seeing those warm eyes cast upon him made Jim start feeling more alive than Bones’ serum ever had a shot of doing. 

“I am going to leave you two alone for some visiting time. I will see that no one interrupts. Stay in bed Jim and don’t get too excitable. And you, you old hobgoblin, see to it he behaves himself!” McCoy gave his patented jovial grimace as he left the room.

“What has the High Council been doing with you, Spock? You have been taking care of yourself?” Jim began as soon as the door closed behind Bones.

“Do not worry with the High Council or New Vulcan’s problems, Jim. I have been well now that you are getting better.” Selek replied as he pulled up a chair to Jim’s bedside and took hold of Jim’s hand. It felt so natural and so very needed after having spent decades without his bond mate and to almost lose this version of him after such a short time had seemed doubly cruel. Selek could feel Jim’s life energy reaching out to him though the skin to skin contact. He felt the echoes of doubt, sadness, death, comfort, fear, renewed vitality, and something unidentifiable that had not been there before just skimming the surface. Selek would not pry as this Jim was not his bond mate. He was aware the first mind meld he had introduced this Jim to had been hard due to the urgent need to transfer information and Selek’s shields and mind being compromised. He was concerned though for what he felt skimming his conscience and reaching for him. Right now it was enough to hold Jim’s hand to soothe him and calm the turmoil that had plagued Selek’s katra. Selek would need to meditate on how to approach his concerns regarding Jim, this reality, and Jim’s health. 

Pulling himself out of his musings, Selek softly smiled at Jim. He had fallen asleep on his side; curled around Selek’s hand and arm, still gripping their fingers together in comfort. It really was enough to just be here with this astonishingly young, brave version of his James. So golden and spectacular in any universe, was his Jim. Selek wondered how his younger self could be blinded to his Captain and prefer Uhura. Even he had not been that obtuse. While he may have avoided romantic feelings with Jim for a good while, he could not really consider a long term relationship with anyone. Not even when his Time had been upon him had he really had any deep seeded desire for T’Pring. She was a means to an end. As soon as he could return to his Captain’s side he would have. He would not have settled down, live in the family’s home under his father’s eye, and be T’Pring’s lapdog. This universe’s Spock not only carried a romantic relationship steadily with someone who was not t’hy’la, but he did not stay at his Captain’s side in solid friendship and duty as Selek, himself did in his own universe to fool himself into thinking that would be enough to quell the need to be in Jim’s orbit. Selek had much to meditate on. It was apparent that even after directing the young Spock to stay on Enterprise that things were still not going as planned. For if they were he would be here now checking up on his Captain at the very least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks always for the comments folks. This chapter may be a little shorter than my priors. Some may be long. Others short. But, I post more often than once a week it seems so it is a trade off. I am surprised I am able to write this often. I have to write it in my head before I can write it all on the computer first. So it is a process. It takes a few edits in my mind before I can actually start typing it out. It can get a bit overwhelming. It also can cause writers block. Anyone else get this way? Oh and I think I have been misspelling Khan as Kahn. Sorry. I just realized it needs to be Khan. lol.


	4. Meeting and Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Selek are having a mini chess meet, Spock and Jim have an update, Selek and Spock discuss the future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I have been out of print for a few weeks. I have been major sick. I will be up and down until sometime in November but will write on my good days. It turns out I have some problems and have to take medicine before they can operate. I will get some imaging on November 10 and hopefully it will be safe to operate then. I have lots of prayers and am sure I will be fine. I just wanted to let anyone know that if I am late on a regular posting schedule like I would like it is because the medicine makes me ill and the original ailment is not pleasant either. 
> 
> On to other things... I hope everyone else is doing great. I really love the comments. They motivate me so much. I love reading everyone's fanfics and it is a bright part of my day. So I hope my writing lights someone else's day up too.

It was the next day when Selek’s younger self finally decided to come check on Jim once more. When Spock saw the cozy scene of a battle worn and recovering Jim softly smiling in contemplation at a chess board and his elder self and that elder openly displaying such warm emotions directly back at his captain, Spock felt a twist of envy and jealousy. He quickly stifled such an illogical feeling. Keeping his shields in place he continued to watch the scene to gauge the extent of Kirk and Selek’s relationship. The way Jim’s eyes teasingly shifted between his pieces on the board and Selek as he thought about his next move and his delight as he moved his next piece in a new confounding way. The chuckle he lit up with when Selek apparently said something regarding the illogic of such maneuvers. It appeared as though they were very close and Spock was angered by this. It should be him in there with Kirk. But, again, these feelings were illogical. He had not been here for Kirk to spend time with. So again, Spock dismissed these feelings for the illogic they were. 

Spock entered the room and was gratified to have Jim’s smile turned on him. “Ahh, Mr. Spock, good to see you! Have you been very busy with the repairs to Enterprise and taking over my duties as well?” Kirk greeted with enthusiasm. 

“Captain, it is rewarding to see you are looking better. Yes, I have been delayed from visiting you with my duties.” Spock felt no need to expand on the fact that Nyota had been also capitalizing his time in addition to needing additional time to meditate due to his having trouble with obtaining proper levels of meditation and shielding since Kirk’s death. 

Selek had not said anything but kept a knowing smirk on his face as though he could know something more that what Spock had stated. It was almost as if he could see inside Spock and indeed he might have the best insight as he was essentially himself, only older. Spock did not care for his face or his knowing smirk.

“Selek has been keeping me company with the chess board. I believe he is sneakier than you, Mr. Spock!” Kirk teased with a lopsided grin. 

“I assure you, Jim, it is only because I have had more exposure to your illogical play than Spock. I think I shall leave you two alone for a while now. I will return soon, Jim.” Selek jested and excused himself.

Jim looked disappointed only briefly when Selek announced he would be going. But cheered up as he turned to Spock to talk with him. Spock was satisfied that it did not appear as though Jim preferred Selek over himself. These foolish thoughts about whom Jim preferred were illogical Spock reminded himself as soon as such ideas would pop up.

They visited for an hour until Dr. McCoy showed up to check up on Jim and update his hypos. They had talked about the repairs on the ship, leave schedules for the crew, if Spock was going to visit his father on New Vulcan during the Enterprise’s repairs and Spock made a list of some books Jim wanted to keep him occupied when he did not have company. 

On the way out of Jim’s medical bay room Spock was greeted by Selek. It appeared he did not leave to freshen up or rest at home. He had waited for Spock. 

“Greetings again, youngling. I would have words with you about Jim and yourself. Are you agreeable?” 

Spock felt threatened and responded, “I fail to see how it is proper for you or myself to discuss the Captain. I further do not see the benefit to having a discussion about the Captain and myself if that is what you mean to imply. Ultimately, I fail to see where either of the two subjects are your concern.”

“Spock, do not try to close me out or take me for someone easily put off. Do not look so spiteful. You came to me for advice regarding Khan. Can you not trust me further? As far as for concern, I deeply love and care for Jim and always will in any incarnation, dimension, or form. You are me and your welfare is my welfare. Our katras will align eventually so your welfare is my welfare. That is my concern. Will you talk with me?” Selek replied earnestly. It was plain on Selek’s face that there was worry and love and patience and pain all written easily as it should never be on a Vulcan’s face. What would Spock do?


	5. The Truth Isn't Going to Make a Noise....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selek and Spock have a conversation. It is a relief... but its going to cause regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I did some edits on last chapter. I am sorry it has been some time since I last added a chapter. I adapted the name of this chapter from a song from the White Stripes. I was listening to them. I am a major fan. Drool! All their music rocks. So I hope everyone enjoys and remember comments make me smile. Yours, Siwren1

“Very well. I concede to your logic, Elder,” Spock replied to Selek’s plea. He did not relish the idea of speaking with Selek. It disturbed him to speak to his elder self. He felt overly exposed. He also felt like it was likely to be a conversation he was not likely to want to have as he was unready to address what was on Selek’s agenda. 

Spock followed Selek to a private conference room. They both took seats. Selek calmly looked Spock over thoughtfully. Spock felt the very human inclination to squirm as he felt like he was found lacking. 

“Do you desire Lt. Uhura to be your intended?”

“I thought we were going to discuss Jim and myself?”

“Obviously, Spock, Lt. Uhura is your partner currently. I had thought that after I gave you some direction a year ago you would have at least seen that Jim was more. And while Lt. Uhura is a wonderful and intelligent woman, she is not the one for you. Even if you have not realized Jim’s full potential to be more to you in a capacity that Lt. Uhura could never be, one would think that you would have at least found that she was lacking something fundamental to sustain you in a bond.”

Angered by Selek’s insight, Spock huffed, “Lt. Uhura is not lacking. I have found Jim’s friendship invaluable. If I did not, I would not have captured Khan alive to preserve Jim’s likelihood of revival. Frankly, I find your comments bordering on invasive and rude. Lt. Uhura will be my bonded and Jim is my first human friend. That is all there is and it is all that it needs to be.”

Selek looked to be pondering Spock’s words for a moment. As if he fully weighed them, he finally asked, “Are you certain?” There was a different tone to Selek’s voice, a finality, a deeper tenor, an edge that perhaps Spock should have taken as a warning, but he was agitated to be questioned be this version of himself that had upset this universe’s timeline and then thought he had the right to question how things were turning out as a result. 

“Yes, I am more than certain.”  
“I will take you at your word, youngling. I am gratified you are so content. I will proceed how I see fit since you are satisfied with these arrangements.”

Alarmed, Spock questioned, “What does that mean? Do you intend to interfere in my relationship with Lt. Uhura?”

Selek made an almost smile in an exhausted and sadly amused sort of way, something very un-Vulcan, “No, I would never do that if what you say is true and you are indeed set on Lt. Uhura as your intended bondmate. It is paramount to never get in-between one and his desired.”

Spock confirmed, “It is so. It is Lt. Uhura I desire.” Spock felt relief that the old Vulcan version of himself was not going to interfere in his plans.


	6. Reflections:  Just the way they are...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selek meditates and reviews, Spock meditates and reviews, and we have a friendly spy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this was written today, non checked because I am lazy and haven't slept but wanted it posted. So forgive the boo-boos. I will go back and fix 'em sometime soon. I am always great at editing others' works but never my own anyway. Hope everyone likes it.
> 
>  
> 
> Now edited*********************************

Chapter 6

Selek needed to meditate. He had confirmed his younger self’s intentions and they were not good at all. He could not understand how things could be so far off from what they should be. There were so many things just degrees off from what he had known it to be. 

For example, Spock’s infatuation with Nyota Uhura. This universe’s Uhura was hard and she had an unpleasantness to her that his own universe’s Uhura never had. His Uhura had been sharp, tough, but she never lost her soft and gentle spirit. He never felt a pull for her to be a possibility as a potential mate and he could not see any appeal at all to this universe’s Uhura. What further confounded Selek was what could been the catalyst for such a variation when there appeared to be no link to his interference and Nero’s to have caused such a discrepancy. 

It shook Selek’s foundations to know that his decision to point Spock toward his own Kirk had been for naught. Now Spock had to deal with what his intentions would be now. Selek could not say he was entirely unhappy with this turn out. He was finding himself with a desire towards moving on with his contingency plan for what he would do if he should find himself so fortunate as to have another chance to be one with his t’hy’la, even in an alternate version. 

Selek did realize that this Kirk was different in many ways from his own Captain so long ago lost. In many ways, this young Kirk was a better man, in many other ways he was a very insecure and needing man. Both variances likely were due to the same set of factors, Selek mused. Kirk likely strived even harder, had the same swagger but tempered it with an internal humility that bordered on self incrimination, and he was less of a show boat all because of his early childhood. It pained Selek to know the differences but delighted him because it gave him new opportunities to know his t’hy’la differently. Selek was finding himself quite illogical in his old age much to his own personal amusement.  
*****************************************************************************

Spock was relieved to be left to his own devices and not be disturbed with his desire to be with Nyota. Despite his logical relief in light of being able to pursue his planned course, Spock still felt some sort of unexplained or at least unacknowledged tension. Spock, too, would need to meditate. 

He could not understand his elder self’s desire to question and meddle so much. What business of it was his whom he took to mate? Just because he mated with his Captain did not mean it had to be the same for Spock. Spock may see the physical attraction of Kirk, but he knew better than to give up the benefits of Nyota. Nyota was his future. She would be a wonderful mate. She was professional and goal orientated. She studied his traditions and languages extensively when she was in pursuit of pleasing him when she was still a cadet. She would be the mother of his children, she would make his father happy when she bore the heir to the house of Surak. Yes, he was right to keep Nyota as his intended. 

He would always have his Captain as a friend. He could share chess games and talks like they had been doing before the warp core incident. They would soon start their five year journey and things would be fine again. Selek would return to New Vulcan and Spock would have everything the way it should be.  
*************************************************************************************

McCoy knew he should not have been eavesdropping in on the two Vulcans but he had seen how funny Spock had been acting after Kirk had been revived and Selek was just as odd. His doting on Kirk had been borderline obscene. McCoy would have said something to Jim, but he was just starting to be able to smile, sit up, stay awake for more that a few hours. He didn’t need that kind of stress. It was best to find out any potential problems and head them off before they could conflict with Jim’s recovery. 

McCoy was perversely glad he did end up snooping. With the way Jim felt about Spock, always pining in secret after the hobgoblin mind voodoo from Delta Vega, where he had glimpsed his “meant-to-be” that would-never-happen as it seemed it would turn out after hearing what he had just heard. He now knew he would have to make sure to keep an extra close eye on his brat Captain and make sure that if those two Vulcans dared approach it would be with only the best of intentions…


	7. Hallway Confrontations and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy and Selek have a talk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Its my b'day. I edited the previous chapter and wrote this one. Hopefully there isn't too many boo boos in this one. I never look till a few days later but I want to post it. So you get to see my errors but at least a chapter is up. So Happy B'day to me and this is my gift to myself is getting this tough chapter up. Now I am going back to watching figure skating and enjoying this holiday weekend. Plus, I am working on a very long one shot to hopefully be up before the year's end. Love you all and comment appreciated!

Chapter 7

Selek was in route to spend time with what he considered his t’hy’la since Spock had made it clear he had no plans to claim his Jim. There was no logical reason Selek wished to acknowledge why he should not proceed with his wishes to be happy and make Jim happy in the process. In fact, there were more logical reasons to do just what he sought to put into motion this very afternoon. That was if the good Dr. McCoy would stop being a stubborn obstacle.

“You’ll stop right here until you tell me what cotton picking plans is in that infernal computer you call a brain of yours that you plan on unleashing before I let you in Jim’s room. He’s had enough misery in this lifetime without you adding any more to it!” McCoy grumped at Selek demandingly. 

“Doctor, I will be more than happy to tell you my plans as they do not involve anything to do with picking cotton or putting the Captain through any more misery. In fact, it is quite the opposite. You will be glad to know that my brain is not a computer as you seem so fond of describing it. My mind is highly compatible with Jim’s; so much so, that we have a unique potential that is so rare that it is revered by my people and honored by bondings that hold much lore and history to be lauded on high by the ancients of my culture.” Selek expounded at length to the doctor patiently. Winning McCoy over would be like money in the bank as he was Jim’s best friend. If any of this went sideways for Selek, it would be better to have McCoy’s support rather than Spock having his support. Selek had given the young Vulcan his opportunity quite explicitly. He owed it to Jim and himself to pursue their chance. It was their time now. 

Leonard gave the older Vulcan a raised eyebrow at his proclamation. Just what did he mean the “opposite?” His brat Captain, Jim, was a good man, had endured so much, was not really a brat, but someone who had made an impression on a man who thought the universe had nothing to offer. McCoy was perplexed and worried about the whole demeanor of Selek. He owed it to Jim to make sure he was protected during this vulnerable time. But, Selek did not seem to wish to do harm. He seemed genuine and just how much prying could he get away with? “What do you mean by that?” McCoy queried. 

“I mean that I wish to care for Jim, I have no qualms in admitting that I would rather harm myself first before I let anything happen to Jim first. He is my perfect match. I wish to help make him better, engage him in a relationship, determine if he would be a life mate and if so, bond with him.” Selek replied. He did not want there to be any misunderstandings and he was too old to feel any shame for his feelings. Life was too short and precious to waste it with hiding his feelings. 

“Well, as long as your plans aren’t just to railroad him with your plans or demands for a relationship and you give him time. Don’t think I don’t know more than you let on you hobgoblin!” McCoy asserted. 

“I assure you Doctor, I will give all care and choice to Jim.” Selek reassured him. It seemed this was all the confirmation McCoy could ask for and with a raised eyebrow to slightly threaten the elderly Vulcan he let him pass into Jim’s room. Hopefully, McCoy had made the right decision.


	8. Good to be Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selek meets with Jim and they have a very important talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been so long since I have updated. I have many things going on in life. I was not blessed with great health but I deal. I try to employ the upbeat Jim like attitude here. :-) I have a degree that I had hoped would help me land a great job making a difference. This year should be a year that it is easy for me to do just that since it was a political degree and it is an election year. Well, no such luck. Fed up, I have returned to college to pick up sciences to prep for the MCAT and do volunteer work as well. I really think it is important to be a service to the community so I thought perhaps I could be a doctor. I keep banging my head against a wall wondering why I thought that was a great idea but I think it had something to do with job security since the medical field is deplorably in need of compassionate people. Hopefully someday it might be me. So consequently my yaoi fanfic writing suffers. I will try to do better but I thought I would give everyone the 411 on why I suck on writing. I was successful today with less writers block and managed to update both my fanfics so there is that. Yipee and on with the show. Love you all! As always thank you for reading and giving kudos and comments if you so choose.

Selek entered Jim’s room and was internally thrilled to see that Jim had a delighted smile in greeting on his face. Selek decided to take this as a positive omen. “Hello, Jim, it is good to see you improving everyday.”

“Hi, Sp-, Selek. It sure is good to see you! I was going stir crazy in this room that Bones has me locked up in with hardly no visitors!”

“You may call me Spock when it is just you and me, Jim,” Selek replied indulgently to his beloved. He was intent in his purpose and he looked at Jim and saw that his color was much improved from the day before already. Khan’s blood was indeed a miracle elixir. 

“I want to talk to you about something rather serious. I want to discuss with you something that has no place being left unsaid.”

“Sounds serious, Spock, please continue…”

“When you died, I felt it. I did not think I could live through losing my t’hy’la ever again. In fact, I was unsure if our link was that of a full t’hy’la link since you had your own Spock who was your own equal age. But, after feeling your dying and confirming with my counterpart that he does not feel the same as I do about you being t’hy’la I feel that I can not go on without claiming what is obviously mine; you. I cherish thee more than I can ever express, it goes beyond universes, death, and it matters not to me what form I find you in. You can be my Jim from my universe, my Jim in this universe, my Jim in any of the universes, I would follow you anywhere, know you anywhere, and love you forever. It may not be universal to all Spocks and I am sorry for that but it is universal to me. Jim, what I am asking is if you will complete the t’hy’la bond in this universe and if you won’t I ask you give me anything you are willing to give as I cannot be without you again.”

Jim sat there wide eyed in silence. What was he suppose to do with all that? In one moment his soul was rejoicing, ripped asunder and healed all over again. This man, this Spock loved him, but his Spock, i.e. this universe’s Spock would not, but did it really matter when he had someone right here, Spock Prime as he liked to refer to him in his mind proclaiming so thoroughly his desire to be one with him. He understood just how precious the t’hy’la bond was from the first meld he had had with Selek. He had seen glimpses of the cherished history Selek and Jim Prime had shared and he had felt the regard and the love radiating the meld along with the devastating sorrow from the loss of Jim past and Vulcan then. Jim had secretly desired his Spock from afar, had given brotherly love once a friendship had been forged, but had felt like he would always be on the outside with his Spock and having it confirmed was like having his heart ripped out in one moment. But, to have Selek declare himself was a healing tonic for here sat the man whom had made him want that t’hy’la bond in the first place. Here was his chance at the elusive love he was forever being denied. First his parents with one being dead and the other being forever stuck in her grief and self serving hate, then with his brother who left him with Frank, then Frank who had been a hopeful father figure turned bitter disappointment and later nightmare, then had been Gary, a string of one or two night stands, those who only were around for the Kirk name or the golden boy good looks, and finally had been the destiny that seemed to be denied him in his own Spock ignoring what should be. But, all that was changing now with Selek. No, Jim wasn’t going to pass this by. Blinking, Jim replied, “I would be honored to complete the t’hy’la bond with you and I think I have loved you since the cave to be honest.” 

With that, Selek or Spock between just the two of them, gave Jim the rarest of smiles, the tilting of his lip in the not smile that was special to only Spock. Today was a good day to be alive, both thought at that moment.


	9. Deeper into Jim and Selek...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see more into what is going on with our May/December lovers...

Selek and Jim were enjoying a friendly game of chess when Bones decided to check up on the two of them. Jim was glad to see his best friend and said so. “I have good new to share too, Bones. Selek and I have decided to complete a t’hy’la bond and make it official. We will be mated!” 

McCoy wanted to be happy for his friend but he could not see how this was going to work when they shipped out again. That did not mean he was going to rain on Jim’s happiness. This happiness was helping to greatly improve his health along with Khan’s serum. A patient needed to want to get better, needed to have positive influences surrounding him. So McCoy congratulated Jim and Selek, “That’s great, Jimbo. When is this going to take place?”

A moment of panic seemed to cross Jim’s face before he turned to Selek for an answer. Selek seemed happy for a Vulcan, and said, “I am open to any time but I think as soon as Jim is healthy enough to take a trip to New Vulcan I would like to take him there to recuperate and see the elders for the ceremony. You are invited, Doctor, of course.”

“Damned tootin’, I am invited! I’m Jim’s best man plus even when he gets discharged from here he’s going to need round the clock medical care to help him get back in tip-top shape. He can either go to a physical therapy clinic everyday or he can have me hanging around.”

“Yeah, Bones, I think I will take you any day despite you being a cantankerous meanie!”

“What did I do to deserve that title?”

“I would like out now and I would like a burger!”

“Well, its too soon for you to be out, but a burger I think I can authorize. You haven’t had an appetite till today and I happy enough to see it that I think a burger would be in order!”

“Hot damn, now you're talking!”

******************************************

The burger was not what Jim exactly had in mind. It was a turkey burger on a whole wheat bun with extra tomato, pickle, onion and lettuce. Jim had a small side of ketchup but was not allowed any mayonnaise. Instead of french fries which he had assumed he would be getting he got a choice of a side salad or minestrone soup. He went with the salad. Who ever heard of soup and a burger? It didn’t taste like the real thing but it was better than nothing so Jim decided to clean his plate. He had had no appetite and if he wanted Bones to let him out soon so he and Selek could go to New Vulcan he needed to cooperate with his wellness plan. Selek was a real sweetheart and had snuck in a small chocolate muffin for desert. It was delicious and despite being small it was rich and moist. Just what the doctor probably didn’t order but Jim sure did! 

Having the goal of getting bonded to Selek made Jim so happy. It was like it was a whole new day every time he thought of their soon to be uniting. Selek and performed a meld after the doctor had left and it had been better than sex. It had effectively gotten rid of his headache and for a while he had not felt the pain in his body from Khan’s serum healing the cells that were still damaged. The tiredness and weakness had been gone and they had spent time sharing favorite memories from one another’s life. Selek was a bit more closed off with his memories because he did not want to divulge future events but they had spent a great deal of time discussing literature in the meld as a consequence. It was a safe topic and a favorite for both of them. After the meld, Jim had a new found appreciation for Selek and felt an overwhelming love flow from the thin t’hy’la bond. Selek had explained that with each meld, the bond would grow stronger and would be nurtured by their mutual love for one another. 

Yes, right now everything was peaches and cream despite being still stuck in a hospital bed. Sure, Jim would love to see his Spock right now and share with him his happiness in joining with Selek. He wondered what his reaction truly was. Was he really fine throwing away the t’hy’la bond for Uhura? Did he not feel it at all? Did he really support Selek and Jim in their relationship? Was he really happy with Uhura? And if so, could Jim be really happy for him? All these questions kept swirling around in Jim’s head left unanswered because Spock was seemingly avoiding him. 

Selek was understanding about these questions that Jim had. Selek did not begrudge him his affection for Spock. Selek reasoned that Spock was himself just on a very different life path apparently. Selek had explained that if Spock had showed any indication he had wanted to be with Jim, Selek would have yielded to him. Selek also explained that perhaps one day Spock would change his mind. After all, Selek had taken a long time to come to terms with loving his t’hy’la in his own universe. Selek did admit he did not know what he was going to do if that day came. Jim was honest enough to admit he did not know what he would do either.


	10. Much ado, ado - Spock and Nyota

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock ponders, Nyota bites off more than she can chew and puts a stone in Jim's mental shoe...

Spock had been feeling satisfied with how things were proceeding with the repairs on the Enterprise. While his workload was heavier than if the Captain would have been up, active and able to take on much of the decisions, overseeing, and general meetings with Admiralty; Spock could still manage due to his Vulcan raising and biological need for less sleep. 

His personal life was settled for the time being. Nyota was happy with the amount of time he had been spending with her. She did not mind that he had so much work as she was busy with her Communications department and the added work of helping re-establish a central communications hub in San Francisco since the devastation of Khan plowing the USS Vengeance through the hub’s building amongst other things. 

Spock knew one of the things he must do soon was visit the Captain. He had put it off for the past few days but Doctor McCoy had sent several messages questioning his change in pattern. It was illogical to stop seeing the Captain but after the strange conversations with his counterpart he did not want to see what might have come about as a result to having given the “green light” to Selek to pursue Jim on a personal level. While Spock might not be interested in him for himself, it was his duty to protect the Captain and he could not help feeling that he had failed somehow. 

He knew his counterpart would not pose any threat to the Captain but that did not mean that there was not the question of potential harm from his counterpart unintentionally. He could not pinpoint the potential for harm but he could think of some examples. What if a meld caused damage since Selek held such emotional baggage or memories of potential outcomes for the future? What was Selek thinking to even begin a relationship with someone so much younger? Was Selek considering Jim as his own person separate from Selek’s universe’s Jim or was he confusing the two? Did he intend for Jim and himself to have a physical relationship and if so how was that going to work with the age difference? Just thinking of that angered Spock on Jim’s behalf or at least that is what Spock thought to himself. Spock continued to wonder what kind of relationship Selek and Jim might plan to have in this universe and with the Captain to be off on the Enterprise for great lengths of time. It just was not logical to Spock. All these questions meant there was much to doubt and much to protect his Captain from. Which meant why was Spock avoiding Jim along with McCoy’s messages? 

Spock needed to meditate on this and center himself on where he placed himself in the great scheme of things? How did this all matter to himself and what was the most important factors to prioritize for Jim’s benefit before he went to visit the Captain. 

*************************************************

Despite being busy helping restore communications for the San Francisco Starfleet area and being in charge of on-board communications for the Enterprise, Uhura had plenty of time to stop by and visit her Captain. She had no fears of competition any longer from him for Spock. Spock having relayed the details of Selek’s conversation and the results. She was happy to know there was someone for the Captain especially during his time of recovery. It was important to follow up by visiting him to let him know whom was the victor for Spock’s heart and to make sure he was well established in a relationship with Selek like McCoy had earlier reported. 

When she stepped into the room she was unsure as to what would await her. She was surprised to see Jim awake and alert. He gave her a genuine smile and seemed happy to see her much to her surprise. Her Captain still looked ill but he was definitely trying to get better. He still had an undercast complexion that showed irritated skin where the radiation had done its worse before a crew could enter the chamber to retrieve his body. There were a few sores on his hands and arms as well as some bruising. He looked thinner than she remembered and she thought he could stand to eat more. His eyes however still seemed full of that old Kirk mischief and charm and for that she was partially grateful and wary. Just what made this man tick and what gave him the right to defy death, put McCoy’s and Spock’s careers in danger for having resurrected him and still smile like that? She felt her ire begin to rise and took hold of the feeling and let it fortify her for what she had come to do.

“Nyota! I am so glad to see you! Maybe with you here you can sweet talk Bones into letting me out of here with your talents in communications! I don’t think I can take another day in this hell hole. I am sure you have heard I am to be on a trip to New Vulcan once released and will be bonding with Selek… maybe you and Spock can join us for the ceremony even,” Jim seemed to launch at her this slew of ideas upon her approach to his bedside.

Irked as ever by his insistence to always use her first name now that he had discovered it she rolled her eyes at his air of excitement. “Captain, you need to stay in the hospital for as long as McCoy says. You are weak and susceptible to other contagions since your death. You shouldn’t be so impatient. I can’t believe you are a captain, having survived death thanks to my boyfriend and McCoy and you still don’t seem grateful,” Uhura took this opportunity to scold and rub in Jim’s degraded health as well as her relationship with Spock. She even put special emphasis on the word boyfriend. She didn’t think she needed to sugar coat anything or find ways to be subtle if he was being as brass as he appeared.

Jim’s demeanor immediately changed at not only the tone of voice but the words Uhura employed. He had been putting on a bit of a show trying to demonstrate he was the old Jim Kirk that everyone knew, but he didn’t expect such vinegar and vitriol from Uhura. She had no reason to be so abrupt and spiteful to him. She should be a happy, blushing, giggling, maiden; having won her beaux and having the knowledge that Jim wasn’t pining away for him but moving on to greener pastures. What bright color that had been in Jim’s cheeks and what spark of excitement had been in his eyes immediately vanished under Uhura’s tongue lashing. 

Jim was partially angered by her treatment as he was her superior officer who had given his life for hers and her attitude was the thanks he would get? Jim’s other half was saddened by her brashness and spite as he had thought there was a possibility for a friendship between them at the very least the professional level. Jim was not stupid and could read between the lines of Uhura’s little speech and all she had meant. She meant to strip him of his manhood, of his foundations, make him feel like a little boy to be scolded thus and to rub in his face that whatever he may have hoped for with this universe’s Spock; she would never let him close for even the barest of acquaintances if she had her way. 

Just as quickly, Jim processed all this, he wiped the hurt from his features. Steeling himself for anymore she might wish to dish out during her visit he simply put on a sardonic smile and laughed. “Oh, Nyota, it’s not that I am not grateful. Quite the opposite, in fact. But, I am feeling so much more improved and I have lots of captaining to do. I am sure you would like me to take over some of my duties as soon as possible so that Spock has more free time. Surely he has missed you with all the extra duties and has been overworked. I wouldn’t want you to sacrifice so much. And don’t worry, Khan’s blood has made me feel whole in ways you would not believe, Nyota, I simply feel better. Just like he described himself to me, I understand it now. I am better because of Khan’s blood and for having been dead and alive once again. It makes one evaluate things so much differently if you know what I mean,” Jim ended deviously with a wide grin hoping to put a little worry or fear into Uhura. 

Her eyes widened in comprehension of his words. Whether she caught his drift or not it didn’t matter. Two could play this game and it wouldn’t hurt for her to remember who she owed her life to also. Yes, Jim dearly owed his resurrection to McCoy and Spock and maybe a little to Uhura but they and she owed him because he had gladly paid the price to save the Enterprise and her crew. Jim didn’t want to put these wedges between he and Uhura but she had come to play games that Jim really had no interest in. He could not let her get away with disrespect even if no one was around to see it. If he was to be respected as Captain and if his relationship with Selek was to be respected then he needed to proceed as he meant to go on with life. No apologies for being James Tiberius Kirk. If he was going to look at himself in the mirror everyday and respect himself he was going to do everything in his power to insure no one walked over his feelings ever again.

“I am so glad to hear that, Jim,” Nyota responded weakly. She didn’t sound as confident as when she had first entered the room. In fact she looked a little flushed and she had sweat beading up on her upper lip and brow. 

Acknowledging he had her sweating, “Computer reduce room temperature by five degrees.”

“You don’t have to do that for me,” she blushed and pushed her ponytail off of her shoulder in what appeared to be a nervous habit. Wanting to give her a break, Jim asked her what she had in the gift bag she had brought with her.

“Oh, its some Vulcan logic puzzles to play while you are in here so you won’t be as bored,” Nyota began describing the gift set of puzzles with relief at the change of topic and lessening of tension between the two.

After about thirty more minutes of generic visiting and oo-ing and ah-ing over Nyota’s gift she departed. Jim felt drained from having to hold his own against someone who he had thought he had made headway with in the past years only to find out he really did not know one of his senior crew members that well at all. Setting aside Uhura’s gift on the bedside table, Jim snuggled down into his hospital bed feeling the radiation and wear of healing perhaps for the first time since he had awakened. Deciding to take nap before Selek came for his evening visit, Jim pulled up the covers on his legs and torso and closed his eyes only to wonder if Spock felt the same way as Nyota did. It was with this concern he drifted off to a restless and troubled sleep.


	11. Visitations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the crew are allowed to visit and McCoy makes a decision for Jim...

The next day was definitely a better one for Jim. Bones had promised that if he had lifted the restriction on the crew visitation. This meant that his crew could visit him without obtaining special permission from Bones prior. Getting past Bones prior to this had been impossible for most of the crew. 

Currently, young Chekov was visiting him and regaling him with stories about his childhood in Russia. Chekov had brought Starfleet inspired Russian nesting dolls as a gift. Each “doll” was a ship in the fleet. The Enterprise being the largest “doll” to house all the other ships, one after the other. It was a very thoughtful gift as Jim could display it in his quarters and not have it take up a large amount of room. In addition, it definitely reminded him of the young Pasha when he would declare this or that was invented in Russia. 

Earlier he had been visited by Ensign “Cupcake” Hendorff. Since serving on the Enterprise as his head of security, the two had begun a shaky but surely respectful friendship. Each had conceded their faults and had laughed off the first impressions they had left one another with. Hendorff was an excellent security officer and did his job admirably. Hendorff had brought a small pod plant in a pot under a dome as a gift. This miniature version was harmless but could project irritants if left uncovered. Jim thought it was a great gift that reminded him of an away mission where Jim had been able to save his life in a split moment by luck. 

Chekov was finishing with his visit when Sulu came in to visit. Sulu was carrying an insulated bag. When he approached the bed and offered his greeting the Captain was definitely interested in seeing what new delight had been brought. Upon opening the bag, delicious odors wafted about the room tantalizing Jim’s palette. Sulu brought out a bowl of steaming ton-jiru soup that he bragged took him all morning to make. The hearty pork and savory green onions were a great combination to the miso base. Next Sulu delighted Jim with a bento box filled with vegetarian sushi. Sulu explained that McCoy had forbidden sashimi until Jim’s stomach was use to heavier meals. The hand rolled delights were just as delicious as their counterparts and were a safer option. Finally, Sulu finished off the gentle meal with another soup, suimono. It was a very delicate soup with fresh herbs and Jim was almost too stuffed to have it but it was a tradition to have it after sushi, appetizers, or at the end of meals according to Sulu so Jim indulged. Due to its simple yet elegant broth, Jim did not feel as though he overdid himself after having it. During the meal he visited with Sulu and discussed the repairs being made to the Enterprise and the history of Japan including the wonderful dishes Sulu had grown up learning to cook from his okaasan. 

When Jim finished the meal, Sulu made his departure after seeing that Jim’s eyes had begun to droop. Sulu was glad to have visited the Captain and she that he was doing better. It had broke his heart to learn the man who had leapt off a drill to save him had died to save him yet again. When he discovered that there was a chance that Kirk could be brought back, he was elated. He did not desire serving under anyone else on the Enterprise. Working on the ship had been like no other experience in Sulu’s history. The atmosphere was like one big happy family and he was comfortable enough to court Chekov openly. Not that being gay in 23rd century carried any stigma in general. It was just Sulu and Chekov’s luck to come from very traditional and conservative families. 

Sulu had grown up in a strict Japanese family that value its history greatly. Despite being born in San Francisco, Sulu had been sent back to Japan for part of his education, had been forced to learn Japanese even though learning Earth languages instead of universally used languages would have been wiser, and he was expected to find a nice Japanese girl and settle down someday for the family. Sulu still dreaded explaining to his family that his ideal wasn’t Japanese or a girl. 

Chekov’s family was very Russian, conservative and private. He came from a family that valued lots of hard work and credited Pasha’s genius with that hard work only. They did not realize that not only did Pasha work very hard but he was a natural genius with loads of talent inherent to his very being. Pasha had grown up meeting and exceeding his family’s expectations. So when Pasha finally revealed to them that he was seeing Sulu, there had been fireworks. Pasha had been afraid to lose his family, but his mother while momentarily disappointed put her foot down and refused to disown one of her babies. It had turned out surprisingly okay. 

Jim took a small nap after Sulu left but was delighted to wake and find Selek there to visit with him. He was growing to love him more and more. Jim had had doubts when he first agreed to bond with Selek but his steadfast ways and presence at Jim’s bedside was a balm that cured so many ailments. Selek’s presence made the want for Spock almost disappear, and it did more and more each day Jim let go of that illusion of hope. Selek always did little things to cheer Jim like play chess, read or have long discussions on a variety of topics no one would likely believe. Selek was okay to talk about anything from advanced warp theory to how much Jim wanted a puppy because he adored puppy’s breath. (“And, Jim it is illogical to get a puppy just for the smell of puppy breath; a puppy becomes dog and no longer has the desired trait for which you obtained it for. Therefore, you must want a puppy for more substantial reasons before we agree on such a step.”) Selek took the time to help Jim exercise his limbs and rub the aches away from the physical therapy when no one else was around. Yes, Selek was becoming more and more a part of Jim’s life than he realized. 

It was good for Jim’s health and from the looks of it the old man’s health too; if you asked McCoy. They were good for each other. No one aside from McCoy himself took better care of Jim at this time than Selek and it made the old man glow to be in Jim’s radius. Selek looked much more alive and younger when Jim was there, talking and interacting with him. 

When McCoy had first called Selek, he had looked drawn and lifeless when faced with the news that Jim might not live or recover. Now that Jim was once again thriving, Selek looked nothing like he did when McCoy had first spoke to him over vidcom. This is what brought McCoy to decide that if the two were in a symbiotic relationship of some sort and were so good for each other, then he should help capitalize on it. Jim was healthy enough to go to New Vulcan now as long as he went along to insure he was monitored properly. Seeing Jim settled down and domesticated would be interesting to say the least. So with that, Bones left his office to deliver the good new about releasing the Captain for travel to New Vulcan to the happy couple.


End file.
